Analyst bastards poach ‘Stinky-Head’ Skinner from top agency
Ungrateful son-of-a-bitch Ryan Skinner announced today that he is leaving his role as Account Director of Velocity, the world’s most interesting B2B content marketing agency, to work for Forrester (Nasdaq: FORR), the little-known global research and advisory firm.
Skinner worked at Velocity for two years, joining the celebrated content marketing powerhouse from a sleepy, little PR company in some Nordic country or other. Within months, the Velocity juggernaut turned him into one of the content marketing world’s leading lights, unwittingly putting him on the radar screens of the kind of unethical recruiters who would sell their own grandmothers for a 20% cut.
“Fucking, fuck-filled father of fuck,” said Stan Woods, Velocity MD, “We taught the fucking fuck everything he fucking knows and this is how he fucking treats us.”
Skinner, whose head was clearly turned by the fancy-ass job title (‘Senior Analyst of Content Marketing’) could well be trading a job that others have actually killed for (long story) for a Sisyphean ordeal made tolerable only by the tawdry scrap of ‘prestige’ that it carries among the ill-informed and easily impressed. It is fully expected that, once the reality of his mistake sinks in, Skinner will be back, on his knees, begging Velocity to reinstate him at half his former salary (and a tenth of his current one).
“Not a chance,” says Doug Kessler, Velocity co-founder, “Just because he wrote many of our best blog posts (see below), took really good care of some of our most valued clients (Citrix, Netsuite, IntentHQ) invented and hosted our Content Marketing Hangouts, scored 70% of our five-a-side goals and was really fun to work with doesn’t mean we’ll forget this unconscionable betrayal. Unless he says please.”
Five of the best of Skinner’s derivative and obvious blog posts:
None of which are very good at all:
The Big Marketing Blog Popularity Study: 22 comparisons from Econsultancy.com, Hubspot’s blog and the SEOMoz blog
Don’t think like a publisher, think like a publishing start-up.
The Digital Marketing Leaders’ Purpose & Principles Memo
14 Ways to Present Information Visually
Enterprise Technology Marketing: Learning to Love the Godless Barbarians
Before the scale and depth of Skinner’s betrayal sank in, we made a hardcover book for the duplicitous career-monkey called, “Skinnerisms” (produced by the fantastic folks at RPM Digital):
Our mothers made us add this bit:
“We really do wish Ryan all the best in his exciting new role. We’ll miss him but Forrester is a fantastic place to be and Ryan will be a huge addition to their team.”
(Yadda yadda yadda).
Jeff Ogden | June 26th, 2013
Sorry to hear the news, Doug. Don’t know why anyone in their right mind would leave you and Stan.
Doug Kessler | June 26th, 2013
I know, right? Sheesh.
Ryan Skinner | June 26th, 2013
(drops mic) Oh bugger. My lawyer, Pusillanimous Polonovski, has asked to make a statement on my behalf:
“Ahem, let it be known that my client, the aforementioned and hardly infamous Stinky-Head Skinner (for the remainder of this document referred to only as “Stinky-Head”), has been wildly misrepresented and is the object of a character assassination – a very successful one, mind. Let it be known that Stinky-Head has not been, is not and never will be “ungrateful”, as referenced by Mr. Doug Kessler in word 1, paragraph 1 of the first page of the article. Beyond that, the remainder of the document is either entirely true or wholly uncontestable. My client, Stinky-Head, is in fact a son-of-a-bitch (though not in the sense that his mother is in fact a bitch, except on Sundays, in Ireland), a duplicitous bastard, formerly employed by a sleepy PR agency from a Tolkein novel and generally a conniving careerist asshole and villain (who I might add doesn’t pay very well).”
Damn. I have to find myself a better lawyer. Though, all in all, the guy nailed the brief. Stinky-Head may be many things, but he is not grateful. Thank you, Velocity! (Aside from the wonderful book, which I will cherish – not because it’s full of my words, but that those words have been dressed up beyond their worth – the greatest honor is this immortalization via the Kessler treatment.) Thank you again. (belch). Fuck.
Jeff: How dare you impugn my sanity. Expect to receive a subpoena from Pusillanimous, whose incompetence is as epic as something really, really epic, such as my similes.
Greg Elwell | June 26th, 2013
Doug, I hope your foul mood doesn’t continue on into tomorrow afternoon when we shall engage in a bit of content crap talking on the podcast…on the other hand, that might be kind of fun 🙂
Jim Burns | June 27th, 2013
Doug, keep the welcome mat out. Forrester people are great, but a tough business model: sell, book billable hours, develop, invent, book billable hours – can be a grind for a creative guy used to an obviously laid back, fun atmosphere.
Stephanie | August 7th, 2013
When will the Kindle version of “Skinnerisms” be available? I want to add it to my Wishlist!
Doug Kessler | August 8th, 2013
It would be censored…