Analyst bastards poach ‘Stinky-Head’ Skinner from top agency
Ungrateful son-of-a-bitch Ryan Skinner announced today that he is leaving his role as Account Director of Velocity, the world’s most interesting B2B content marketing agency, to work for Forrester (Nasdaq: FORR), the little-known global research and advisory firm.
Skinner worked at Velocity for two years, joining the celebrated content marketing powerhouse from a sleepy, little PR company in some Nordic country or other. Within months, the Velocity juggernaut turned him into one of the content marketing world’s leading lights, unwittingly putting him on the radar screens of the kind of unethical recruiters who would sell their own grandmothers for a 20% cut.
“Fucking, fuck-filled father of fuck,” said Stan Woods, Velocity MD, “We taught the fucking fuck everything he fucking knows and this is how he fucking treats us.”
Skinner, whose head was clearly turned by the fancy-ass job title (‘Senior Analyst of Content Marketing’) could well be trading a job that others have actually killed for (long story) for a Sisyphean ordeal made tolerable only by the tawdry scrap of ‘prestige’ that it carries among the ill-informed and easily impressed. It is fully expected that, once the reality of his mistake sinks in, Skinner will be back, on his knees, begging Velocity to reinstate him at half his former salary (and a tenth of his current one).
“Not a chance,” says Doug Kessler, Velocity co-founder, “Just because he wrote many of our best blog posts (see below), took really good care of some of our most valued clients (Citrix, Netsuite, IntentHQ) invented and hosted our Content Marketing Hangouts, scored 70% of our five-a-side goals and was really fun to work with doesn’t mean we’ll forget this unconscionable betrayal. Unless he says please.”
Five of the best of Skinner’s derivative and obvious blog posts:
None of which are very good at all:
Before the scale and depth of Skinner’s betrayal sank in, we made a hardcover book for the duplicitous career-monkey called, “Skinnerisms” (produced by the fantastic folks at RPM Digital):
Our mothers made us add this bit:
“We really do wish Ryan all the best in his exciting new role. We’ll miss him but Forrester is a fantastic place to be and Ryan will be a huge addition to their team.”
(Yadda yadda yadda).