Velocity acquires Big Red Teapot

London-based B2B marketing agency Velocity today announced its acquisition of a new, high-capacity teapot to support its growing team of B2B marketing professionals.  The new teapot, a 10-cup, 3.2 litre Globe from the London Pottery Company will go into service alongside the agency’s previous 1.5 litre facility.

“We’re thrilled with our big, red teapot,” says Lucy Longhurst, agency copywriter, “Its very similar to the last teapot but holds more.” The new teapot will be used for occasions that were previously inadequately supported by the legacy teapot. “The teapot that got us here is still a great teapot”, says Longhurst, “but during peak consumption periods (9-9:30am; 9:45-10:45am; 11:00-3:00pm and 3:30-6:00pm) it failed to adequately enable workforce productivity.  It was resilient but it didn’t scale.”

Managing Director Stan Woods concurs, “In my view, tea should always be made in a pot and this acquisition certainly fits the bill.  It’s red, so we feel it maintains our strategic direction and, since the two-teapot deployment model is service-oriented, we’re actually delivering a new level of Tea Agility™.  Ooh.  I like that.”

Gartner analyst Tibor Toromerde, was first to put the new acquisition into industry context. “Velocity’s B2B tea-making needs have recently increased in inverse proportion to the available deskspace.  We call this the Slope of Obviousness and it’s one of the four key drivers of B2B teapot proliferation. Ooh. I like that.”

The new teapot solution brings added SEO benefits to the digital-obsessed agency.  “The keyphrase ‘B2B Teapot’ is wide open,” says Neil Stoneman, some other guy in the room, “With this single purchase — and it’s attendant press release and Twitter-storm —  we can power to the top of the results pages for what is admittedly a vanishingly small,  almost homeopathic traffic stream.  Over a typical ten years, we ought to see up to two searches going straight to us.”

“In my view, tea should always be made in a pot,” repeats Woods.