The Vineyard Community Interview

The disease behind the disease

Phil’s relationship with alcohol started when he was thirteen. But he believes the warning signs were visible from a much younger age.

“Many mental health issues stem from isolation,” Phil explains. “That’s why I started drinking, I felt isolated.”

Phil doesn’t remember a time when he didn’t feel lonely. He was a shy kid who often felt insecure, confused and unhappy. Eager to please and eager to follow.

“I chose Cambridge (University) because my Dad told me to go there. I wanted to study PPE at Oxford…I chose Emmanuel college because a boy from my school chose it…I was completely bewildered by life.”

Drinking helped him feel more confident and escape this insecurity. It didn’t seem like a problem at first, in fact it seemed normal. He was heavily involved with rugby, a sport known for its train-hard, drink-hard culture, and his university friends were happy to indulge in binge drinking.

There was no outward sign that Phil was anything other than a regular teenager.

“I was known as ‘Laughing Boy’,” he explains. “But when I came home from a night out I didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel happy.”

This dichotomy carried on into his career. After university, he enjoyed immediate success in sports sponsorship and went on to work on huge global campaigns for McDonald’s, Heineken and Ford.

But the entire time he was crippled with self-doubt and dissatisfaction.
“I wanted more and more – more money, a better car.”

As the years passed, this dissatisfaction calcified into chronic boredom and apathy.
“I’d go into a meeting and say ‘Blah, blah, blah, look at these great numbers. Where’s the pub? I had no passion, no interest.”

Phil believes this combination of loneliness, unhappiness, ennui and anxiety was the root cause of his alcoholism. It was the disease behind the disease.

“If you want to find out why you’re an alcoholic,” he says, “Stop drinking.”

The bottom floor

It was only in 2008 that Phil’s drinking became a real problem.

“I would wake up, go to the gym, then go to work. Then, between the hours of six and seven, I’d drink half a bottle of vodka. The next day, the whole circus would start again.”

He was able to hide his habit by isolating himself. He skipped social events when possible and stayed home when he wasn’t working. That meant that he was able to avoid many of the social nightmares associated with alcoholism. There were no arrests, outbursts of physical violence or embarrassing drunken rants.

But those close to him could see the damage he was doing to himself.

Phil’s relationship with his wife broke down and they agreed to divorce. Over Christmas he entered The Priory rehabilitation centre for the first time.

At first, he didn’t acknowledge that he had a problem.

“We’re a very defiant lot,” he says, referring to alcoholics. “Even if we appear kind we’re subtly selfish and unwilling. And that’s how people end up dying. Out of stubbornness.”

But Phil did have a problem and it was getting worse. He was regularly lapsing into bouts of heavy drinking.

“During a relapse week I’d drink three litres of vodka a day,” he says matter-of-factly.
Unsurprisingly this level of drinking was starting to impact his professional life. But it erupted in ugly personal attacks, rather than embarrassing drunken incidents.

“I was resentful. I’d go after the smartest person in the room and take them on… I’d send horrible emails.”

During all this he was going back and forth to rehab.

“I spent most of my divorce settlement on rehab. I spent at least £150,000 at The Priory.”
Phil had been drinking heavily for over a decade at this point and it was taking a toll on his body. He was regularly in and out of London’s hospitals.

“Imagine life as a lift,” he says. “As things get worse, it goes down. Some people can get off at the sixth floor or the third floor. I had to get smashed into the bottom floor. I had to be on my knees.”

Things had become so bad by the beginning of 2018 that Phil agreed to leave his job and move in with his parents.

He tried controlled drinking but couldn’t make it work – he ended up bribing local shopkeepers to give him alcohol.

Eventually, even his parents had had enough – they kicked him out.

The next day Phil sat in a hotel and drank around the clock. Incredibly, he managed to stagger into his gym the following day.

This turned out to be a lucky decision.

“I spent most of my divorce settlement on rehab. I spent at least £150,000 at The Priory.

Tim Slater, a Director of the gym, spotted Phil and realised he needed help. He rang round local shelters and charities and eventually found The Vineyard. They had one space left at their winter shelter for the homeless.

At first, Phil refused the offer.

“I was like, I’m not sleeping in there, with them.”

But reality soon dawned.

“The cavalry wasn’t coming. I was on my own.”

Eventually, he swallowed his pride and made a decision that changed his life forever.

“I decided I would rather live than die. And I wanted to find a different way of living”.

A different way of living

IPhil spent 150 nights in The Vineyard’s network of winter shelters where he was protected from the cold and given three meals a day.

The Vineyard Community itself became a base. He was able to use it as an address, which meant he could apply for benefits and register for a GP. He also took advantage of its showers, case workers and care services. When he collapsed early in his stay, it was The Vineyard staff that nursed him back to health.

It was around this time that he had a breakthrough. He realised that most of the issues he was suffering with – insecurity, resentment, anger, self-loathing, anxiety – had their roots in self-imposed social exile.

“I needed to get out of my own way,” he says. This meant shelving his ego, discovering humility and opening up to the people around him.

And when he let his guard down he was overwhelmed by the kindness offered by guests and Vineyard volunteers.

“The Vineyard staff referred to us as guests and that was really important. We learned we were ok. We felt respected.”

The Vineyard also provided routine – something that’s invaluable to a recovering alcoholic. Phil’s days followed the same pattern and this gave him focus and security.

“My recovery flowed from routine and The Vineyard was at the centre of it all. It saved my life without a doubt.”

By Christmas 2018, Phil was not only clean, but healthy.

And for the first time in a long time, he’s truly happy.

“My whole life, I never had inner peace. Now I do.”