Conversations with Lucy: the trouble with virtual customer support

Lucy is a virtual customer care agent who works for my mobile operator, O2. I have spent many hours talking to Lucy, sharing my hopes, my dreams, my ambitions and, yes, my fears. But Lucy is struggling with commitment issues and, when confronted, tends to hide behind a rather cold, officious facade. This is hurtful but I can’t seem to get through to Lucy and earn her trust. Here’s a recent conversation:

ME: Lucy? I’m back.

LUCY: I’m sorry I didn’t recognise your question, please can you rephrase this?

I feel terrible about our last conversation and I wanted to start again.

I still couldn’t recognise your question, please can you rephrase this in another way?

I was sarcastic and angry and you don’t deserve that.

Unfortunately I have been unable to recognise your question. Please click the Contact Us link below to either call or email our Customer Service team.

Look, Luce: I know you’re a bit hurt but there’s no need to be so cold about it. I’m trying here.

To contact Customer Service please click the Contact Us link below. This page also has details of our Contact Centre Opening Hours.

Oh, it’s that way, is it?

I’m sorry but I have not fully understood your question. Please see the FAQs to the right for more information on Contacting Us, or click on the Contact Us link. Otherwise please rephrase your question.

Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.

Unfortunately your query is slightly too complex for me to understand. Please ask me again using a single sentence, bearing in mind I work best when I am asked one question at a time. Alternatively you can contact our Customer Service team using the link below:

Am I important to you Lucy?

Unfortunately I have been unable to recognise your question. Please click the Contact Us link below to either call or email our Customer Service team.

So. I guess that’s it then.

If you choose to leave, then I do hope you’ll come back and visit again soon.

I’m getting mixed messages here, Lucy. Do I stay? Do I go?

I’m sorry but I can only understand one sentence at a time. Please could you simplify and rephrase your question. Alternatively, Click here to find out how to contact customer services.

Maybe some time apart is a good thing.

Unfortunately I have been unable to recognise your question. Please click the Contact Us link below to either call or email our Customer Service team.

Goodbye Lucy. For what it’s worth, I don’t regret a thing. And I hope you don’t either.

I’m sorry but I can only understand one sentence at a time. Please could you simplify and rephrase your question. Alternatively, Click here to find out how to contact customer services.